- e M 0 + | O N $ i C K n e S $ -

2008-04-03
10:07 p.m.

i wish i knew...

feeling: heh, well really, like i always do. shitty.

music: bomb factory... i dunno. some song by them. i'm too lazy to check.

you know, two years ago, i would never see myself like this. two years ago was great. about to graduate from high school, going to college in the fall with an awesome summer ahead of me. the awesome summer came and went, and college time was here. after three semesters at UNF, i decided that i hated it. it was terrible. now, i met some really cool people there, however, i can't say the same thing about the faculty and the people that work there. these days, i'm just struggling to get through the day.

i swear to god, if i could go back in time, i would change this piece of shit i call a life in a heartbeat. unfortunately, i can't, and i'm stuck with what i got... and if i'm to rebuild this sunken ship, i've got to buckle down. i've got to stop dicking around. but... my problem is i have no direction. no motivation. who am i going to do this for? myself? my mother? who?

now that's something i don't know. this coupled with long, lonely nights of depression leave me wondering how much more of this i can take. these days the only escape i get is on a message board full of people that i will probably never know. but it's one of the only peaces i can find during the day.

i don't know why i always run away from my problems. why i lie... why i'm just generally not a good person. i really don't know. i just feel so bad because right now, i feel like everything that was done for me when i was a child was all for naught. i feel like i've wasted the past two years.i honestly feel like that one dude from 5 centimeters per second. i've been wasting my time, pining away at a girl i'll probably never see again, and just end up making my life seem crappier because i know all i can do is just wallow in my lonliness, crying about how this unrequited love will always be unfufilled.

i know i'm not the only lonely person in the world, but still. each person is different. they all have different situations. nothing i can do about them...

i just don't know what to do with my life anymore.

i just don't know.

i don't know who to go for answers.

i don't know where to go in my future.

what will i do?

will i get a job?

start a family?

be one of those guys at the side of the road with a cardboard sign? god forbid...

but still... i can't help but wonder, because i don't know. i don't know anything, anymore. it's not like i did in high school either. i had no guidance. i've never had any guidance. i don't know what i want to do because i've never known what i wanted to do with my life.

*sigh* i wish i knew.

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Mark
Birthday:	October 24th, 1988.
Birthplace:	Agana, Guam.
Current Location:	Orange Park.
Eye Color:	Brown.
Hair Color:	Black.
Height:	5'6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Lefty.
Your Heritage:	???
The Shoes You Wore Today:	a pair of mismached chucks.
Your Weakness:	food, girls, etc.
Your Fears:	being alone, dying with regrets, not being accepted by others.
Your Perfect Pizza:	pepperoni, cheese, bacon, chicken, sausage, oregano, yeah...
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	lose some weight, become a better artist, get better at the drums, or get on the honor roll.. yeah, pretty stupid goals, eh?
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	dude, lol, ^_^;, whoa, cheese.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	ugh...
Your Best Physical Feature:	wow... uh.. if anything, my eyes.
Your Bedtime:	whenever i feel like sleeping.
Your Most Missed Memory:	i'd like to keep that to myself.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke, all the way.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	In 'N' Out Burger.
Single or Group Dates:	Single is hot, but Groups are fun.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Brisk.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	...both.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappucino. unles the coffee's good.
Do you Smoke:	no. Smoking's for losers.
Do you Swear:	i ask myself that question everyday.
Do you Sing:	sometimes.
Do you Shower Daily:	if i have time.
Have you Been in Love:	yes. still am.
Do you want to go to College:	yes.
Do you want to get Married:	possibly.
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no.
Do you think you are Attractive:	very.
Are you a Health Freak:	no.
Do you get along with your Parents:	sort of.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes.
Do you play an Instrument:	yes.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no.
In the past month have you Smoked:	no.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, but about 2 or 3 months ago, yes.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yes. but not by choice.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	possibly.
Ever been Drunk:	yes.
Ever been called a Tease:	a what?
Ever been Beaten up:	yes.
Ever Shoplifted:	yes.
How do you want to Die:	in my sleep, or during sex.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	somewhere between a pharmacist, something in computers or music, or a linguist.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan, France (again), Phillipines (again), Spain, and Rome.
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	in a girl, any color eyes are hot.
Favourite Hair Color:	Brunettes are #1 in my book.
Short or Long Hair:	long.
Height:	shorter than or at the same height as me...
Weight:	i dunno.
Best Clothing Style:	those EGL chicks are pretty hot.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	i dunno. only legal ones though.
Number of CDs I own:	who knows?
Number of Piercings:	none.
Number of Tattoos:	none.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to count.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!