- e M 0 + | O N $ i C K n e S $ -

2009-12-25
7:12 p.m.

sometimes, giving up is the best option.

feeling: alright, could be better.

music: waiting on the weekend by straylight run

you know, i don't know what it is with me and love.

it always seems like i'm always falling for the wrong girl, you know? like, all the time, it seems like she's the one, that she's the completely right choice. then i find that i've been wasting my time holding feelings for women that may or may not know about them, not knowing whether or not they are reciprocated.

i mean, i know it's all just a part of the game, but still, just once, i'd like to find someone that likes me for me, and isn't ambiguous about it. i'd like someone who is straightforward with their feelings, even if they are a little bit shy about them. for the past three years, i've been carrying a torch for a girl that i have no idea how she feels about me. as much as i'd like to be with her, i don't know how she feels about me. sometimes, it feels as if she's allowing me to try her, other times, it feels like she's avoiding me. now, at the same time, i've been trying to find someone new to get my mind off of her.

but usually, when i found a girl that catches my fancy, she always ends up being taken, or isn't looking. it's a vicious cycle, leading me back to the original girl in question. now, more than ever, i feel like giving up any sort of romantic feelings towards her and just remain friends with her. i think my current standing with her is still in the "friendzone". though she does call me up randomly so that we can hang out, i really don't know anymore. i mean, so long as she's happy, i can be happy, i wouldn't mind staying close to her as a friend, but i know in my mind, i don't want that.

and i'm not trying to be selfish either, i know she has a handful of guys who possibly want her, too. i know she might be interested in one in particular. and you know, they do seem like a pretty good match, to be honest. it probably stemmed from them being so close during their freshman year of college. i would've been with her then too, but it didn't occur to me to even apply at that college. but i'd like to be close to her too. the thing is, even though she's moved back into town recently, i really haven't seen her all that much. i'm not sure if she's really looking for a boyfriend right now.

long story short though, my love for her has been wavering. i'm thinking about just giving up completely on her and finding a new girl, but she's been one of those corners of my mind for the past few years now. i don't know if i can give her up now. hopefully in 2010, i can be with her, or at least find a girl that i know would show her feelings towards me.

one can only hope. but that's what all disappointment is made of. merry christmas.

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Mark
Birthday:	October 24th, 1988.
Birthplace:	Agana, Guam.
Current Location:	Orange Park.
Eye Color:	Brown.
Hair Color:	Black.
Height:	5'6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Lefty.
Your Heritage:	???
The Shoes You Wore Today:	a pair of mismached chucks.
Your Weakness:	food, girls, etc.
Your Fears:	being alone, dying with regrets, not being accepted by others.
Your Perfect Pizza:	pepperoni, cheese, bacon, chicken, sausage, oregano, yeah...
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	lose some weight, become a better artist, get better at the drums, or get on the honor roll.. yeah, pretty stupid goals, eh?
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	dude, lol, ^_^;, whoa, cheese.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	ugh...
Your Best Physical Feature:	wow... uh.. if anything, my eyes.
Your Bedtime:	whenever i feel like sleeping.
Your Most Missed Memory:	i'd like to keep that to myself.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke, all the way.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	In 'N' Out Burger.
Single or Group Dates:	Single is hot, but Groups are fun.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Brisk.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	...both.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappucino. unles the coffee's good.
Do you Smoke:	no. Smoking's for losers.
Do you Swear:	i ask myself that question everyday.
Do you Sing:	sometimes.
Do you Shower Daily:	if i have time.
Have you Been in Love:	yes. still am.
Do you want to go to College:	yes.
Do you want to get Married:	possibly.
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no.
Do you think you are Attractive:	very.
Are you a Health Freak:	no.
Do you get along with your Parents:	sort of.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes.
Do you play an Instrument:	yes.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no.
In the past month have you Smoked:	no.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, but about 2 or 3 months ago, yes.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yes. but not by choice.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	possibly.
Ever been Drunk:	yes.
Ever been called a Tease:	a what?
Ever been Beaten up:	yes.
Ever Shoplifted:	yes.
How do you want to Die:	in my sleep, or during sex.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	somewhere between a pharmacist, something in computers or music, or a linguist.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan, France (again), Phillipines (again), Spain, and Rome.
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	in a girl, any color eyes are hot.
Favourite Hair Color:	Brunettes are #1 in my book.
Short or Long Hair:	long.
Height:	shorter than or at the same height as me...
Weight:	i dunno.
Best Clothing Style:	those EGL chicks are pretty hot.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	i dunno. only legal ones though.
Number of CDs I own:	who knows?
Number of Piercings:	none.
Number of Tattoos:	none.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to count.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!