3:24 a.m.
tearing it.
feeling - "come on, seriously?"
music - "drunk again" by reel big fish.
alright, that's it. i thought, "hey, you know, maybe i'll give this another chance. maybe she'll come around. i even got her a little present, maybe that'll help break the ice a bit." nope. i figure, it'd be she and i, and a mutual friend. nope. it had to be him to the one to come along with us.
alright, i'll go out and say it. i'm jealous. so jealous of the two of them. i have no one to blame but myself. it's like, alright, alright, yeah, alanis morrisette song. like, if he weren't in the equation tonight, it would have been a-ma-zing. like, really really good. because i know the both of us had a great time. i know he was confused but laughing throughout, but i just don't get what she sees in him. like honestly, i haven't met a girl i've had this much in common with in like, forever. and that's it. the car ride back would have been bad, she was picking the music. a lot of her selections were pretty girly, but she just had to play mr. brightside. why that song?
that's like the worst selection to pick, especially with what's going on inside of my head. god, she's got such a great smile. fuck. goddammit. what a way to end a friday the 13th. i should have just stayed home. so that's it. i give up. for real now. fuck. drinks are in order soon, for sure. "never make someone a priority if they only see you as an option." fuck.
1:55 a.m.
holiday-ish 2011.
feeling: alright, i guess. it's just i haven't felt this way in a while.
music: kid cudi - pursuit of happiness
well, this is life, i guess.
family - things are alright. hung out with everyone over thanksgiving break. spent time with my dad and sister and her husband for thanksgiving. aside from that, everything goes alright with everything. i've been watching over percy since thanksgiving while mom's been in the PI. i can't wait to head back for winter break.
school - i know i should be practicing animating right now since i just have IPC this month, but i've had way too many distractions lately. what with percy being here, narie leaving in a week, and so many games to play, it's hard for me to just make time to get some personal work done. i really should get a head start on it soon if i really want to stand out once i get out. but i guess it's nice to have a break with just one class like this once in a while.
romance - well, i called it, didn't i? i was right to not get my hopes up with this one. by this one i mean alex. i don't know why i let myself become so attached for so long and do what i always do when i meet someone new that i like. like... i really wish i did meet her sooner, i think if i did, we'd be a bit closer. basically, the long short of it is: we went to the mall with everyone this past weekend, she mentioned her friend would be coming with us, so i was like okay, that's cool. but it was pretty bad, i felt like a third wheel the entire time. so basically from what i understand, the two of them are most likely going out. i'm not 100% sure yet, but i'm about 98% sure of it. not that i mind this, she doesn't owe me anything and it is her choice of who she wants to be with. i just wish it wasn't so ambiguous, or that i were better at reading people. it's just been frustrating me lately. it's like a goddamn movie or something. i move to a new town, meet an amazing girl who is everything i could ever ask for in a girl, only to find out that she is with someone else. like not just that she's pretty, not just that she's clever, nerdy and smart. i could really see myself with this girl. isn't that how it always works? so i guess i'm not just frustrated about not knowing what to do with the situation, it's also the fact that i know nothing i do will change anything. thoughts like that get me really down, especially at this time of year, i guess it'll be another holiday alone. makes me sad to say it, but i think i'll just be giving up on her outright. forever a friend, haha...ugh, oh well.
it just makes me wonder when i'll find true happiness. that's not to say my life isn't already pretty good as it is. my life is great, there is a lot of love in my life, i know and love so many people. but i think i'm just at the age where i wouldn't mind sharing my love with someone special. i thought i found that, but i guess i'll have to keep searching... i think i need a drink... i'd write some more, but there really isn't much to write about, especially since that horrible jackie chan yakuza movie. maybe around christmas. maybe.
7:20 p.m.
just an update of the happenings, you know how we do.
feeling: a bit groggy since i just woke up, but pretty good anyway.
music - runaway by kanye west
what's happenin, self?
things have dramtically improved since last time. let me break it down for you so you can easily pick up what i'm putting down.
family. well here's something that was very uneasy in the past year but is back to as normal as it can possibly be. my mom almost had cancer, but luckily everything turned out great in the end. glad to hear she's doing well and back to work. my dad seems to be doing alright, since the store is picking up again, i'm glad he found some help for the time being while sachi is in georgia. my sis and her husband seem to be doing well and call me on occasion. no animosity from anyone or anything. pretty good.
school. i'm starting to draw more again, i've decided what i want to do number one would be to animate characters. i believe i am apt enough to do so, so i'm going to need to start practicing with that. in the past few months, i've learned that rigging is hard, but it pays off if you do it the right way. i've also made some new friends along the way. speaking of which...
romance. there's a new girl in town. or more specifically, i met a new girl a couple of months ago. her name is alex. now at first i just met her at a party, i didn't think i would see her all that much after that, so i didn't really give her a second thought. but a couple of weeks ago, she invited me to go over her place to do some work. we ended up doing like no work between the both of us and just ended up talking for hours. just talked about anything, games, ourselves, just whatever came to mind. we got sushi and such and it was amazingly cute when she dropped her fork into my soy sauce. but yeah, i have to say, it's been a while since i've just had a one to one day with a girl. and well, after talking to her i am shocked of the things we have in common. i'm like "who is this girl, and why haven't i met her sooner?!". she's just so, great. i don't feel awkward at all when i'm around her, even if i am a bit nervous sometimes. as cheesy as it sounds, i think i might have found someone special. but anywho, i digress. i'm in the process of asking her out, so i'm sure i'll have an update on that in the next update, whenever that will be. i'm not gonna get my hopes up, though. if she just wants to be friends or if someone else asks her out before me and says yes, then i'd be okay with that, too. sure, i'd be a little bummed, but i guess i'm just used to being single, it wouldn't really bother me. plus i'm sure she could do way better than me. but at this point, i'd just like to hang out with her more right now.
well, i guess that's all for now, i look forward to the update next time.
12:35 a.m.
wondering how everything is.
feeling: not really sure. empty and complacent at the same time.
music: machu picchu by the strokes
back when i made that last update, things were going pretty good. nowadays, i wish i could say the same. new years resolution of drawing every day is pretty much broken, though i'm trying to fix that. weight loss is pretty much non existent. i've been hovering around the same weight since new year's. still friendzoned by emily. big surprise there. bunch of stuff out of whack.
i've been looking back at old pictures and blog entries, and wow, i gotta say, life hasn't changed too much. both for the good and the bad. but i guess that's just fine. my life's changed so much in the past year that i'm good with where it is right now. well more accurately, i'm tolerating where it is right now, but that doesn't mean i'm satisfied with it.
health. as much as i want to lose a lot of weight, i just haven't found the drive for it. full sail's got like next to no good girls. it's pretty ridiculous. sure there's my health and shutting my family up, but those can always be taken care of. i just don't know about this one.
drawing. i've been drawing every day this month. not necessarily anything big, but things that are different every day to keep me on my toes. i want to fill up my sketchbook with decent sketches in a few months. i have to learn how to use this tablet effectively, too. i will.
romance. something that's always been foreign to me. the term "teenage first kiss" is alien to me. mostly because of the fact that i've never had one. pretty sad at 22 going on 23, right? i think i have the chops to be in a relationship right now, i just haven't found that girl who loves me for me. emily, she's great, everything i could ever ask for in a woman. but i believe staying friends is the way she wants things and i'm fine with that, so long as i can still be friends with her. i just wish i could find another lisa. now those were good days. it was the first time in my life i've ever ran into anyone who liked me for me. i think emily and i were going down that route late in high school, but kind of fell apart around the time we all went to college. either way, i wish i didn't care for her so much. it's like waiting for something that will never happen. just, a tense, wrenching feeling i get every day. oh well. can't win 'em all.
family. my family's been 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag lately. my mom's out of touch with everything she was a year ago. my dad's a loner who always calls at the weirdest times. my sister is a psycho bitch who never has anything nice to say unless it's a holiday. sometimes i feel like percy is the only one that understands me and how i'm currently feeling.
just a whole bunch of shit on my plate right now. i just wanted to vent and have something to look back on. let's hope my next entry in a few months will be a good one.
4:52 p.m.
you can't please everybody.
it's amazing what one phone call can do. i was having what was turning out to be a pretty full, good weekend, but i just had to get that one phone call. there is a hole in my wall because of this one call.
in this call, there were things that were said that were true, but shouldn't have been brought up for the umpteenth time.
throughout this shithole of a call, though. i promised myself i would come to terms with a few things.
- i want to lose a substantial amount of weight. but if i am to do this, commitment is in order.
- emily will most likely never, ever see me as anything beyond a "good friend", as much as that saddens me to say. it's true.
- apparently i have to be "nice" to my failure of a father. why should i be there for him when he was never there for me when i needed him?
so. long story short: there is just no pleasing some people. no matter what you do. no matter how much you change, no matter how responsible you get, no matter what. you just can't please everybody.
so do yourselves a favor, if you do good things in life, reward yourself for them. if you don't do good things in life, then you should take the advice of your family and friends.
i fall within the middle ground of those two extremes.
2:46 a.m.
a new lease on life.
feeling: tired, but capable.
music: a lifeless ordinary (need a little help)
well, it's been some several months since my last entry. and what a ride it has been. since my last entry, i started a new spring semester at fccj with strong grades. i took 4 classes and got 2 As, a B and a C, which i thought was crap, at the time. but through that time, i met some really interesting people, had some really great times and overall felt better about life and myself. then in late january, early february. i decided to myself that i want to make art for video games, so i told my friends and family that i wanted to go to Full Sail University to pursue this long time dream of mine. and so, in late february, my parents and i went on their monthly behind the scenes tour.
fast forward to this past june. about june 19, my car was packed up and ready to move. after wrangling up tony and jerrin in the morning, we headed out to the new apartment. unpacked everything, and just played dokapon kingdom for the entire weekend. later that month, i started new classes, i met a lot of new friends, got a new computer and life couldn't be better.
this is it, this is my time to show everyone what i am made of. so i think i will start to keep up with this journal as well as yoyospaghetti. this will be more of a personal log of my time. for now, i have to finish this picture of my face. well to be more precise for future memory, i'm working on the muscle study to go over my self portrait on tracing paper. i'll cut this one short for now.
'till next time.
7:12 p.m.
sometimes, giving up is the best option.
feeling: alright, could be better.
music: waiting on the weekend by straylight run
you know, i don't know what it is with me and love.
it always seems like i'm always falling for the wrong girl, you know? like, all the time, it seems like she's the one, that she's the completely right choice. then i find that i've been wasting my time holding feelings for women that may or may not know about them, not knowing whether or not they are reciprocated.
i mean, i know it's all just a part of the game, but still, just once, i'd like to find someone that likes me for me, and isn't ambiguous about it. i'd like someone who is straightforward with their feelings, even if they are a little bit shy about them. for the past three years, i've been carrying a torch for a girl that i have no idea how she feels about me. as much as i'd like to be with her, i don't know how she feels about me. sometimes, it feels as if she's allowing me to try her, other times, it feels like she's avoiding me. now, at the same time, i've been trying to find someone new to get my mind off of her.
but usually, when i found a girl that catches my fancy, she always ends up being taken, or isn't looking. it's a vicious cycle, leading me back to the original girl in question. now, more than ever, i feel like giving up any sort of romantic feelings towards her and just remain friends with her. i think my current standing with her is still in the "friendzone". though she does call me up randomly so that we can hang out, i really don't know anymore. i mean, so long as she's happy, i can be happy, i wouldn't mind staying close to her as a friend, but i know in my mind, i don't want that.
and i'm not trying to be selfish either, i know she has a handful of guys who possibly want her, too. i know she might be interested in one in particular. and you know, they do seem like a pretty good match, to be honest. it probably stemmed from them being so close during their freshman year of college. i would've been with her then too, but it didn't occur to me to even apply at that college. but i'd like to be close to her too. the thing is, even though she's moved back into town recently, i really haven't seen her all that much. i'm not sure if she's really looking for a boyfriend right now.
long story short though, my love for her has been wavering. i'm thinking about just giving up completely on her and finding a new girl, but she's been one of those corners of my mind for the past few years now. i don't know if i can give her up now. hopefully in 2010, i can be with her, or at least find a girl that i know would show her feelings towards me.
one can only hope. but that's what all disappointment is made of. merry christmas.
7:23 a.m.
This is it.
Feeling: anxious, nervous. I have no idea how today will turn out.
Music: none, at the moment.
Today's the day, folks. Wish me luck.
2:30 a.m.
not too sure what i'm doing up so late...
feeling: alright, though anxious.
music: everlasting love + you by leah dizon + whoever did you are smart from katamari forever.
so lately, i've been looking at older stuff... things like older anime, old school notebooks, old tv shows. it was all great back then. then i realized, that these days, i just can't find the joy that i found in media like i did all those years ago.
also, 'been reading old text messages, emails, journal entries. wow, i really can't believe how much time i've wasted. i just feel so terrible about all of it. wasting all those years waiting for lisa, for the remote possibility of us getting back together. all stemmed from a few sentences from a single email from three years ago. now, i'm 21, with not too much to show for it. haven't even experienced my first kiss yet. like, real one. the concept of "teenage first kiss" is foreign to me. but i guess it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but still. it's just been so stupid of me to even think that she'd come back for me. i'm not too much of a prize, though when it comes to courtship, i like to play things close to the chest. that'd probably explain why i don't have a girlfriend right now. judging from past experience, i'd say that i'm one of those always a friend never a boyfriend type guys. like, i've had someone tell me before that i'm not really the type of guy girls want to date, but rather, the type that they'd rather marry.
i know, not exactly the most encouraging of words, but i can really see that being true for all the girls i know, the girls i'm interested in, and the new girls that i meet sometimes. but i guess i shouldn't be worried too much about this right now. i've got bigger things to worry about, after all.
sometimes i feel like i should just disappear, that the world would be much better without me, but in my mind, i know i can't do that, and if i were to go anywhere, my friends and family would of course go bananas. but that in itself is what makes me living like this such a bother. i've done so much to gain respect, trust, and love from them, and yet, i feel as if i haven't given to them nearly as much as they have given to me.
i just feel so guilt ridden. i don't know what i can do to repay the emotional (and possibly monetary?) debts i owe to people. simple things like thank yous and hugs are nice, but simply won't do for what i feel. if anything, i think something long term would suffice. i want to work hard for everyone i know. i want to show everyone that i'm not completely useless. but the thing is, i'm not really in a position to try any of that currently. quite the opposite.
i don't know how any of this will turn out, but i'm going to try my best to get through it. i'm getting tired so i'll end it here.
good night.
8:11 p.m.
falling again.
feeling: i just don't know, right now. it'd be like a mix of nostalgic, stressed, and longing. 
music: somewhere between yesterday by the beatles, falling again by ugly duckling, and hopeless case by less than jake.
think of this as a sequel to the previous entry.
in fact, i'll start it like it. three years ago, i was a spitfire freshman in college. i thought, man, this is great. but really, i dunno, i guess that time was pretty nice. back then, i didn't exactly know what i was going to do, i had thought that so long as i was in classes, everything would be just peachy keen. heh, come to think of it, my first semester, i had it sort of down to a science, of how and when to skip classes. but after a while, all that caught up to me, and i performed less-than-stellar that semester. thank high school for my lethargic demeanor.
now that i think about it, back then, all of us kind of half assed our way through high school. my guess is i'm still in that mindset that i can still sort of half ass my way through life and still somehow make it. that somehow, some way, it will all work itself out. that's been my problem for the past few years. i know i should move on and start doing things for myself, but i guess it's just the whole 'old habits die hard'. but i don't know what is it with me and not finishing what i start a lot.
maybe it's because i've been stuck in the past too much. i've been looking back to the past and admiring the 'good ol' days', and not waking up and smelling the coffee. sometimes i just wish i could just freeze time, and just live in the same day forever. i would go to sleep during the night, and it would be the same day the next day, though through my actions, i could make it different, but even so, you can only go so far.
sometimes i wish i could just forget it all and just run away somewhere. like the fictional city of roanapur, thailand. i wouldn't mind trying illegal arms dealing at least once in my life. or hell, even to the philippines. at least i have family there. it's easier to run, isn't it. but i know realistically, i don't think i'd be able to do that.
love life, hasn't been too good either. another thing weighing on my self esteem. the girl i wanted for a few years belongs to someone else now, and the one that i have eyes for right now, feels indifferent, or just good friends at best, towards me. lisa was one of the best and worst things to happen to me. and i wasted several years of my life pining away for her. and emily, i can't believe such a great girl has been right under my nose the entire time. back in high school, i think could have had a chance to be happy back then. i think she genuinely liked me back then. but i was stupid and tried to stick with the past. so now, i'm pretty she doesn't feel the same way i do about her. i still like her from afar, just a corner of my mind that will always be with me, but i know to myself that i have to find someone new. and there's another problem, i'm not really too sure what it is i'm doing wrong with trying to find new women. ever since high school which was like a strictly "tshirt/jeans/shoes" time for me, i've changed the clothes i wear, the music i listen to, work out in the mornings, the way i act around new people. and i'd like to think that i've done a good job of changing my life for the better so far. but i guess i'm not exactly what the ladies are looking for right now. oh well. guess i'll just keep looking.
i don't want to fall again. i'm sick and tired of half assing my way through everything in life. i want to be strong. i want a girlfriend. i want to live in my own place. all these wants, i know i'm very far away from. i'm sick of falling and then working harder than i would normally to finish what i start. i want to go to sleep at night, knowing that everything is alright. that tomorrow will be a good day. not have something nagging at the back of my head, causing me not to sleep and just stare at the clock. i want everything to be just fine. i don't want any dirty secrets. i want to be honest. i want to bear the burdens of all my past mistakes. but i still want to try and be happy at the same time.
i want to change. i want my life to be better. i don't want to spend the rest of my life just running from my problems. i'm 21 now. a full fledged adult. and here i am, trying to go back to the glory old days of being 16 or 17 in high school. they say age is just a number, and i'm inclined to believe that. i am 21, but i don't feel 21. i want to change. i want to move on and live life by my terms. but i'm afraid i may be in too deep this time. i don't know if i can make it back on my feet. i'm going to try, though i don't know how it will end up.
watch this space. i'll see if i can get myself out of this.
wake me up.
10:07 p.m.
i wish i knew...
feeling: heh, well really, like i always do. shitty.
music: bomb factory... i dunno. some song by them. i'm too lazy to check.
you know, two years ago, i would never see myself like this. two years ago was great. about to graduate from high school, going to college in the fall with an awesome summer ahead of me. the awesome summer came and went, and college time was here. after three semesters at UNF, i decided that i hated it. it was terrible. now, i met some really cool people there, however, i can't say the same thing about the faculty and the people that work there. these days, i'm just struggling to get through the day.
i swear to god, if i could go back in time, i would change this piece of shit i call a life in a heartbeat. unfortunately, i can't, and i'm stuck with what i got... and if i'm to rebuild this sunken ship, i've got to buckle down. i've got to stop dicking around. but... my problem is i have no direction. no motivation. who am i going to do this for? myself? my mother? who?
now that's something i don't know. this coupled with long, lonely nights of depression leave me wondering how much more of this i can take. these days the only escape i get is on a message board full of people that i will probably never know. but it's one of the only peaces i can find during the day.
i don't know why i always run away from my problems. why i lie... why i'm just generally not a good person. i really don't know. i just feel so bad because right now, i feel like everything that was done for me when i was a child was all for naught. i feel like i've wasted the past two years.i honestly feel like that one dude from 5 centimeters per second. i've been wasting my time, pining away at a girl i'll probably never see again, and just end up making my life seem crappier because i know all i can do is just wallow in my lonliness, crying about how this unrequited love will always be unfufilled.
i know i'm not the only lonely person in the world, but still. each person is different. they all have different situations. nothing i can do about them...
i just don't know what to do with my life anymore.
i just don't know.
i don't know who to go for answers.
i don't know where to go in my future.
what will i do?
will i get a job?
start a family?
be one of those guys at the side of the road with a cardboard sign? god forbid...
but still... i can't help but wonder, because i don't know. i don't know anything, anymore. it's not like i did in high school either. i had no guidance. i've never had any guidance. i don't know what i want to do because i've never known what i wanted to do with my life.
*sigh* i wish i knew.
5:55 p.m.
looking for a prom date/nostalgia trip
listening to: date rape by sublime
feeling: meh. (sorry kids, no ky eyecatch this time.)
lately i've been looking back on the things i have written in the past. not just here, i've been looking at old journals, sketchbooks, school works (yeah somehow i have been keeping a good portion of this stuff.).
it really is fun to look back, i know that is true. but earlier today i've realized something. i have been emphasizing the past way too much these past few months. i've been feeling very nostalgic as of late, and i think it's high time to change that.
i mean look at me. a senior in high school... (holy hell, i started this damn thing back in sophomore year) about to go to a decent college in the fall, with an entire summer to look foreward to... i should appreciate what's ahead of me... but a part of me doesn't want to move foreward...
11:39 p.m.
Foxtrot. Uniform. Charlie. Kilo.
Feeling: 
not too well.
Musicos - inertiatic esp by the mars volta.
capitol letters are overrated. so here i am, just waking up from a 5 hour nap. yeah, that sudafed knocks you out something fierce. i have a cold right now, but i have no idea where it came from. so yeah, life hasn't been very good as of late. my grades are doing alright, but... something just isn't right about this school year. i feel like i'm slowly growing apart from everyone. it's probably because i don't seem them as much because our classes are so separated, maybe not, i'm not too sure. i don't get to talk to the people i want to talk to that often, either. the love life hasn't been to good either. no fish biting because there is no fish. seriously, there aren't many girls that i would be interested in my school. i'm just not getting that feeling that i had the past 3 years of high school, freshman year especially. that was probably my favorite year, so far. these days, it seems like everyone hates me. i try to be liked, but all my attempts at doing so are always fucked up by something. i have the feeling that i'm the obligatory 3rd wheel in my group of friends. seriously. it's crazy. somehow, all of my friends have chicks flirting with them, while all i can do is just sit there and do nothing. no one ever asks me if i have any girls in mind. i don't know... it could be jealousy, i'm not sure. i'm probably just not sociable enough, though i like to think i am. work hasn't been too good lately, either. it's been infriging too much on my social life. it's really hard to hang out with friends when you're constantly working on the weekends (including fridays). i know, money is good, but it's no good if it's just sitting there, doing nothing. just once i wanna go to the mall or something with friends and just hang out and get stuff. ah well, them's the brakes, i guess. meh.. the drumline nearly got disbanded today. what's worse is that i was totally clueless of what happened. we got totally chewed out today by our drum major and music teacher. to add insult to injury, this is the second time this week that i've been chewed out for something i had absolutely nothing to do with/totally ill-informed about. i guess that's how it works.. i just haven't been able to be happy lately. sure, i laugh a lot, but that doesn't mean i'm happy. i just do that because i find a lot of things to be funny, but it's been such a long time since i've been genuinely happy... like with myself and everything around me. oh well, it's getting kind of late, so i'd better end this one. peace outside, folks.
12:56 a.m.
never enough.
Feeling: 
a little crestfallen, whatever the fuck that means... lol.
Music: Once In A Lifetime by DragonForce.
well, folks, it's been months since my last entry, and boy do i have a lot of shit to tell. my summer, came and went. it was a mere 2 months and 11 days, which sucked, considering i worked most of the time. the money's not even going anywhere. i have to be patient to get the things i want this fall.
over the summer, i picked up a couple of good albums that i think you should check out:
Dream Theater's "Octavarium". a prog-metal masterpiece. given, it's not as good as their old stuff, but it rocks hard nonetheless. 9.99 out of 10.
The Mars Volta's "Frances The Mute". a full CD of prog goodness. lots of spanish here and there, but over all, catchy stuff. 8/10.
as i lay dying's "shadows are security". mall-core metal at its best. that's all i can say.
that's all for CDs.. for now. so yeah, pretty much, the summer sucked something awful. i got project snowblind for 10 bucks at circuit city... i popped it in, and for the first day i was intrigued. the next few days it actually became a chore to beat. once i was done with it, i was severely disaapointed by the ending, and the fact that there wasn't any cheat codes whatsoever. don't buy this game. speaking of games, i'm heading to the local gamestop this coming tuesday after drum lessons to make some preorders. i'm preordering an Xbox 360, a couple of games to go with said system, and some current-gen games.
*sigh* so... school's doing alright. my grades are doing well, and my social life, is well, ok... to say the most. all this working is killing me, that and all this worrying about the SAT, ACT, and signing up for college is scaring me. i just need some sort of thing to keep me in order. what would this be, you ask? a girlfriend. i've seen a good majority of my friends who have girlfriends. they seem to have the time of their lives with them. holding hands, making out, it seems like such a good thing to have. i just want someone of the opposite sex who understands me. someone i can talk to. someone i can relate to. someone i can hang out with.i already have two girls in mind right now, but they are both severely out of reach at this point of me being a senior in high school.
life just plain sucks, doesn't it. one minute, you're living your golden days, the next, you're worring about nothing but your future. it's always about the futute. no one ever takes time to look at the present until it becomes the past. that's what pisses me off about today's world. everything's about going faster. not me. i savor the moment. i take my sweet time. this song, Once In A Lifetime by DragonForce, it brings back good memories. memories of freshman year. it was such a simpler time, when we didn't have to worry about college, the SAT, or none of that BS. just ourselves. just what happened from day today. most of all, it was when she went to BJS. everyday, i think about her. the slightest hints make me think of her.. from hair, to eyes, to random words. it's just weird.
oh well.. no use babbling about it here. so yeah. yesterday was lisa b's birthday. there was a full moon. i called her at like 10 something to wish her happy birthday. it was pretty funny. meh...
so yeah, here i am, complaining about problems that i've tried just about everything to solve, yet not able to find a solution. hell, not even a temporary one. i guess that's how life is. a bunch of trial and error. anyways, i'm tired as hell, so i'm out. peace.
1:33 p.m.
new survey! (thanks rachel! keep being sexy!)
From Go-Quiz.comwell im in talahasee on acount of "hurricane frances" and im stuck here till tomorrow morning.. ill try to put another entry in..
10:08 p.m.
absolute.
feeling: alright.. not very good tho.. not very bad either..
music: run to the hills by iron maiden...
why do we always love the people(s) that are always the most unattainable...? i have nowhere else to turn to if i lose them. ever.its just that sometimes, i dont know why, but no matter how hard you try for it, you can never get it. this goes especially for someone's heart.. sure, time may heal all wounds, but what if it builds an immunity? to me? ... its just this feeling of emptiness inside of me.. something is missing. sure i made be all laughs around people,.. but... i dont know.. something is cold. im out... peace.
4:08 p.m.
-
feeling: i dunno. bored.
music: thong song by sisqo.
im so bored.. come to think of it, ive been really bored lately. havent seen many of my friends.. and barely anyones online. it has sucked... for lack of a better word. anyways... my entries havent been all too long lately either... this sucks pretty bad.. been playing resident evil zero a lot lately.. im close to getting all the extras.. magnum revolver, unlimited ammo.. and such.. anyways im gonna go now.. HOPEFULLY add a part 2 later.
11:32 a.m.
-
feeling: 
....different...
music: the brouhaha by beastie boys
hm.. today's like any other tuesday.. my mom and sis went to the bank to do stuff.. which reminds me.. i still need to preorder halo 2 limited edition.. o_o;; damn.. and i still dont have an xbox yet... well at least ill have the game. but uh... yea..
ill put a part 2 to this one.. im out. peace.
5:15 a.m.
holy crap.. back in the states. OMGWTFLOL!
Feeling: tired... and sick. i got a cold.. ^_^;;;
Music: how bizarre by OMC (very very 90s song)
well... im finally back in the states people. the land of the free...refills.. thank God im back here. i once payed THREE EURO FOR A COKE. heres what happened. me, shane and his girlfriend went to a bar in paris. shane got a bottled water and i got a coke.. when i asked the bartender.. "C'est combien?"... he said "Six." i was shocked. and i didnt even get a friggin refill..oh well. anyways.i hope everything in the states worked out fine whilst i was gone.. this is only part one. peace out folks.
3:01 p.m.
its review time!! onn the 4th of joooly..
Feeling: 
ok.. but hey its 4th of july.. hopefully i can use them roman candles i uh.... "borrowed"...
Music: rhyme the rhyme well by beastie boys..
well well well.. the 4th of july.. time to celebrate... america. i had a steak earlier.. it was great.. they put some stuff on it to make it taste good. but besides that.. i know it's long overdue, but i have a couple of reviews for a couple of products that i have gotten in the past couple of weeks. the first being...
To The 5 Boroughs by Beastie Boys
category: hip hop
# of tracks: 15
1. Ch-Check It Out: a good beastie boy's song.. clasic for sure. (just blaze remix is pretty good too)
2. Right Right Now Now: a ballad about NYC. pretty cool. has a good message.
3. 3 The Hard Way: good for playing in your car at the mall parking lot. really bassy. not one of my favs, but pretty good.
4. Time To Build: rip on Bush on this one.. pretty cool.
5. Rhyme The Rhyme Well: this song's alright, but i think it could've been less annoying at some parts.
6. Triple Trouble: a good song. another classic. nice beat. doesn't get old.
7. Hey Fuck You: well pretty self exclaimatory. "if you don't like it, then hey fuck you!"
8. Oh Word?: kinda like pass the mic. seriously. they go at it one at a time in their own styles.
9. That's It That's All: good song for playing in the parking lot. more ripping on Bush.
10. All Lifestyles: good for anyone. nice fast beat.
11. Shazam!: funny song. kinda slow though.
12. An Open Letter To NYC: bush ripping.. shows how good New York is. and tells you the name of the 5 boroughs.
13. Crawlspace: pretty cool.. kinda about someone being pwned on the mic.
14. The Brouhaha: a good song.. nice bass. upbeat.
15. We Got The: Fast, great, never lets down.
all in all, the tracks suck the first time you listen to them, but the more you listen, the better they sound. trust me. a buy for sure.
moving on to...
Samurai Girl: Real Bout High School 6
ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME!!! for some reason, it took tokyopop more than a year to come out with this amazing final volume. and it's so worth it. it's thick as 2 mangas.. and yet, its only $10. its great. everyone gets their own part in it. altho there was wayyy too much charachter building in this one. but besides that, it met all of my expectations.. some parts were kinda dumb while some were just... awesome. the art, the fighting, all of it. great. but if you wanna buy this one, you might wanna by the first 5 as well.. ( i did! ^_^)
well then.. the review is over!!
well, im out. peace. on the 4th.
quote of the day.: *hitting the spiderman poster* EIGIGNNN!!!!
8:15 p.m.
oh fuck yea... village photos works again!!
Feeling: 
pretty fucking great..
Music: jet pilot by system of a down..
whoo this summer.. has been a fuckin roller coaster.. lol.. start things off right.. with getting 4 teeth pulled... the getting toe surgery the following wednesday.. then a random assortment of people coming over.... red dead revolver.. late fee (fuckin blockbuster!)... onimusha 3!.. crazy night sunday night..saw dodgeball.. then tony, joey and leonard came over.. played crazy ness all night long.. only to end with playing Splatterhouse 2 and 3.. and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze... yes.. a classic... a night ful of coke, halo, ninja gaiden, and uh.. smash brothers... wow.. it was a fun night.. none of us slept till 10 in the morning.. fun sleepover.. need to have more people over next time... gonna be fun fun.. in the not so sun. uh.. got some more toenail cut today! whoo! doesnt that just make you hungry!? the doc says i should be 100% fine in about a week...which is good. but anyways, moving on, uh.. havent talked to/seen lisa B in a while.. -_-;; im sooo bored... blehmg.. talked to kate a few times too.. those chats are always long and full of fun! talking about the possible marketing possiblities of BucketMan!! speaking of which,
http://intobattle.ytmnd.com/
BUCKETMAN!! THE POWER OF THE BUCKET BRA/MISSLE LA-UNCH-ER!
thats all for now kiddies... peace.
"quote of the day" "you see, opinions are like butts. most people think that theirs is better than others."
6:59 p.m.
staring at the sea, staring at the sand.
Feeling: ok.. but so fucking bored i wanna take a baseball bat and smash..... things.. o_o;
Music: killing an arab by the cure (good song. slow, but good. its based on the book: "the stranger" )
its kinda funny how what you used to love when you were younger has gone bitter these days. things such as pokemon. bnet (especially bnet. few of my irl friends know about it). music. (i have a lot of it, but these days music sounds so bland. theres very few songs i would actually download/buy im more into old music like 80s.) speaking of which, i wanna buy the beastie boys' new album, To The 5 Boroughs. but since this damn toe of mine isnt healing as fast as it should be i cant go to places as often as i would want. this summer sucks. ass. but anyways. i visited the warp zone chat listing earlier today. me and leonard were looking thru the chats. they were all empty. all of them. even the websites the chats belonged to dont even exist anymore. bnet is dead. thank the Lord. that forsaken invention corrupted many many lives. but hey i met a lotta people from there, even tho.. im only in contact with like 1 or 2 of them right now. still.. i wish i had a broadband connection. that way, things would be a lot faster. wouldnt have to worry about the phone. i wouldnt have to spend much time the computer, if anything, to go onto AIM. i miss my friends. my parents wont let ryan come over. i dunno why? its the middle of the summer. my toe's fucked up so i cant go out. and when i invite friends over we always sit around and play video games and watch tv and crap like that. bleh i dont understand parents sometimes. actually yea all the time i cant understand them. that and i dont understand girls that much..oh well thats just the way it happens. well ima go. peace.
quote of the day: "stereotypes make the world go round." yay another quiz!
You belong in another of my worlds. The world of
self-destructive tendencies, either through
actual physical destructiveness or emotional
breakdowns that you keep bottled up inside,
thus hurting yourself. You feel that life is
nothing but pain, and you see red in everything
with the memories of the blood you have
bled(literally or figuratively) for your
hurting. You live in a hidden land that few
will ever understand or see in you, because you
keep it to yourself and only let a few rare
people into the truth of your reality. Er...I
don't condone my own actions, so I really don't
know what else to say. Of course, you could
also just REALLY like blood....or you might be
homicidal, not suicidal. ^_^;
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
3:49 p.m.
i just dont give a damn.
Feeling: you know what? i dont give a fuck about anything. i wouldnt care if i died right now. and you know what? who would care? no one. thats who.
Music: fight for your right to party...by the beastie boys.
you know what? my sister is a fucking bitch. that bitch actually has the nerve to tell me what to wear.what i dont want. the fucking jacket's left pocket is FUCKED UP for God's SAKE!! THE SHITS FUCKING TORN!!! a 60 dollar jacket.... that shit aint worth nothing. now i know why her old b/f broke up with her. cuz shes too fucking demanding. i DONT want to look like a fucking college student... UNTIL IM IN ACTUALLY FUCKING COLLEGE!!! GOT IT!?!? LET ME LIVE MY FUCKIN LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE! COLLEGE IS TWO... TWO FUCKING YEARS AWAY!! LET ME ENJOY BEING A GODDAMN HIGH SCHOOLER. JESUS!. i broke my closet door earlier by punching it. i fixed it tho... damn..
quote of the day: tha fuck are you lookin at?
10:22 p.m.
much ado.?
Feeling: pretty good. toe's almost healed.
Music: bring the noise by public enemy feat. anthrax. a classic rock/rap crossover from the 80s.
whaahwhh.... today was my mom's bday.. woke up pretty early... ate at cracker barrel.. their pancakes are breathtaking. ^_^;; uh.. went grocery shopping.. and we got a new digital camera! soon ladies! youll see pictures of me in all sorts of suggestive poses!!! not really.. maybe i should make a pay site.. >_>;; *thinks* maybe not. but uh.. goin to orlando tomorrow so i better end this one early tonight! peace folks!
quote of the day: why do they call it "cracker barrel"?
11:00 p.m.
....why? because i can.
Feeling:... i dont know these days.
Music: b4u glorious style by naoki.
dreams... they are quite weird are they not?.. one minute, you think youve got something, but the next, you figure out you never had it in the first place... or that feeling you get when you had something so incredibly great... but, it ended very sadly. you lost it in one of the worst ways possible.. yes. dreams can be destroyed as easily as they are made, if not easier. or that feeling you get when youve waited so long... for something.. then you get it... but then after a while you abuse it.. and it breaks on you. nothing lasts forever. not even dreams. honestly. they dont last forever. nothing ever does. sometimes you wonder if there is a God. i do believe there is One, but.. sometimes it just doesnt seem like He's there to look after you... especially if youre in a situation where youre really down in the dumps, and no one is there to comfort you, let alone even talk to you. all you can do is think. think about what happened. and it plays over and over in your head. messes with your sanity. over and over until you cant take it and cry yourself to sleep. ive had plenty of these experiences..but God has always pulled through in the end. but.. like all euphoria, it must end sometime.. then the bad things always happen. everything that can go wrong goes wrong. and theres almost nothing you can do about it. im gonna go to sleep. good night..
peace. take it easy, folks.
quote of the day: well lookee there! he's bleedin! lol from red dead revolver..
4:09 p.m.
the art of sitting around...
Feeling: lonely. sitting around all day can make you think about weird things.
Music: take me out by franz ferdinand. holy crap. its raining outside. whoa.. that came out of nowhere... this damn toe isnt helping me at all...
been playing ripped GBA games all day.. advance wars is fun. wario ware is pure genious... i forget the rest because most of it is crap... hm.. well.. ill end this one early today like i did the other.. ill leave with this quote... "how can you love (or like a whole lot) someone if you honestly know that they probably dont feel the same way you do?"
(miss her too..) oh well.. "if happy little blue birds fly across the rainbow, why dammit why cant i?"
10:39 p.m.
what do you mean i aint kind?....just not your kind..
Feeling: little weird.. my toe is hurtin like a bitch though...
Music: peace sells by megadeth..
"who do you say that i am?".. i am myself. and none other. but.. i do want another. i want someone to care about. i want someone to care about me like i care for them.. i want a gf... dammit. right now i feel like complete shit.. cant even get any of the girls i like to be more than friends with me.. hmm.. i dont know.. i.. really want someone.. this sucks.. oh well.. im out.. peace folks..
"quote of the day" : HAHAHAHAHAHA THEY BLEW UP CONGRESS!
10:59 p.m.
yay.. no!... yay!!
Feeling: alright.. not very tired tho.. i might sleep late again..
Music: favourite things by me first and the gimme gimmes
well today was an eventful day.. woke up.. did stuff.. took a shower.. picked my sis up from the airport cuz she had spent the weekend with her b/f.. the past few days have been crazy.. my cousin bryan had come over for the weekend.. hes cool. gonna miss ya man! uh.. tomorrow i gotta go to the hospital because of my foot.. bleh dumb toenail.. i wanna get it over with before my trip and i want to play ddr again!!! x_x;; oh well.. uh.. lets see.. i got new jeans on saturday.. and a black pair of chucks.. hm.. oh and a new newtype.. came with a "panyo panyo di gi charat" DVD.. dude.. this show is so cute, its almost sick.. it actually makes you want to hurt someone.. lol... anyways i took a quiz, and i got:
You are Rinna! You're extremely polite and like to
make new friends, but you have a problem with
falling asleep waaay too often.
Which Panyo Panyo Di Gi Charat Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
shes cute.. and she sleeps a lot too.. so shes a lot like me.. wanted to get piyoko too.. im out.. peace.
"quote of the day": now you may ask "why do we treat customers like this? why? well, fuck em, thats why!"
2:18 a.m.
good stuff, i think youd agree.
Feeling: i dunno.. not very tired..
Music: boys don't cry by the cure..
its almost 2:30.. which begs the question, why am i on so late? then answer is, i dont know. honestly. i guess its cuz i took a really long nap earlier. hm.. you know that movie, "the day after tomorrow".. really its one big "modern" hippie movie.. its all about "saving the environment and such.. also, it was one big advertisement for FOX network.. cuz.. for some reason, everyone was watchin